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neotokyo7
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Name: Sye (Sigh)
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: San Jose
Birthday: 10/2/1989
Interests: Anime, Helping Friends, Running, and other stuff.
Expertise: Same as interests but am doubting my sprinting ability though.....I am good as a psychologist....dont ask because I help with people's problems
Occupation: Student
Industry: Engineering
Message: message me
AIM:  neotokyo7
Member Since:
5/25/2005
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| And so......here comes the next batch of people coming back and seeing the rest of the people that don't go to their school. Their breaks are all at the same time as the others. But then there is a slight problem when it comes down to community college students who want to bask in that holiday with them: their week off isn't until the friday before the U.C.'s start again. Now where does that leave the typical college student I am supposed to be? Some will be able to cope with it by having new friends that they can have fun with in their own break but others like me, or maybe only me, don't really have that. I don't know why I seem to make friends that aren't really like the typical college student who calls you up and invited you to parties and maybe try to have fun. Instead I am left watching other friends do exactly that. I see day after day typical students having fun in their clicks or groups while I am left as an outsider on the sidelines. Its seems I have never left the image of high school of a sideline person who doesn't keep touch with the many people who know me. I have a rare few of people who will sometimes talk to me when they are bored, have homework questions, or send you on a wild goose chase on whether or not I can go and meet up with them or not. Sometimes those instances are at bad times but I don't really want to show it so I give some friendly discomfort and hope it doesn't offend them.
The high school students have started their break too so they can meet up with their graduated friends as well. They have their dances and their fun breaks with many people. I don't know why but sometimes out of some odd thought in their minds, those people call me up. When that happens I am both surprised and confused. I don't get why they would bother to call me up about something these people clearly have planned to do ahead of time but then there seems to see a trend. I seem to be a backup plan for these people when they don't have enough people to participate. It kind of irritates me. It also irritates me when my friend, the infamous unintentional pimp, is still showing that he maybe having fun but when he talks to me about it, tells of how boring it is to be in community college. I do have some fun moments in college but that still doesn't outweight the amount of boredom that I seem to receive as I try and, to an extent, fail to do some work.
I am moving to livejournal. Id: neoanime
"I watch life like a movie waiting for its end. I wish this movie was more interesting."
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| Its now vacation time. Everyone has come back from their schools and now are hanging out at home and having more fun than I ever had being one of those people who have stayed and worked on community college stuff. In fact now, it feels more awkward now than it did during the Thanksgiving time. Instead of a weekend of people coming home, there is 3 weeks of people on vacation and away from their stable lives in the universities. There is still that uneasiness though that still fills me every time I dont hear from people everyday I sit in front of the computer. It seems like the same thing that I have did when my friends were at those universities. The question is am I even on vacation? Vacation for them is seeing their parents, seeing their friends, and having fun with them but I am I having even that? I see my parents every day which is no different from when I go to school. I still barely see my friends some because they went on vacation somewhere else, which I can understand, and that they are too lazy to see the people they left behind.
I barely hear from people these days. At the beginning of this vacation I thought this would be the continuation of hanging out with my friends as I did in summer break. We started to hang out and eventually it seemed like I would have fun. Suddenly, that time together was cut off. I saw nobody, and I hear from them very rarely. Maybe during the Christmas time, there was some talking but that was more of that "Season's Greetings" kind of thing. I seem to ask myself why I don't even bother to call people up? The answer I can come up with is that I feel like I really don't have anyone to call and say "Let's do something!" I dont know why I am afraid to do that or why the many others that I call "friends" don't do that for me. Rarely I see some variation on who calls me up and does something like that. Even the person that I like came back and I don't even know how to approach her or even try to have a chance to go out like my other friends have done. I reflect on myself and say that this is pathetic. "Do I really want to risk losing a friendship like I did before?" is also another thing I think of. All this thinking leaves me with one main question, "Am I the one who causes this isolation?"
Really.....Me the cause? That is not to far from the truth. My old friends that were in my group from middle school split up and never tried to individually hang out with them. The girls group that I would always sit down with in high school always welcomed me but do I really know them? The group of juniors I suddenly came to know and allowed me to be with them now only seem to be in break up mode when it comes down to their group. I looks like that they are going through the same thing my friends did in junior year. The people who only know my name and see me only can see one side of me. The other side is on paper or on writing that I cant seem to convey my feelings toward. Everything I write is all about what people will never really listen to: the problems that we face(or maybe just me). I seem to be one of the only people interesting in sitting down and talking to people. I bother to actually listen to their problems and just let them let it out. I though others were like that too but when I found out that some think about how their lives would be better if they never existed, I was completely disappointed. I would have to get used to it anyway since disappointment is a part of life right? There are somethings that you wish weren't disappointing and this is one of them.
Another is how the many people that you considered "friends" turned out to be just acquaintances in disguise. Once people come back you definitely see who really considers your friendship. At this point I can count who does with one hand. At this point I believe that my whole high school life was just a waste; no social life and no educational life. What is college? A transition I always say. It is also a rebirth of trying my hardest to gain what I didn't have during high school. Sometimes I think I am just lying to myself. What can I do here other than neglect my school work and stupidly think that I will get good grades. I dont believe it when people tell me that they barely do work and get good grades. In fact that pisses me off. It's like they are trying to smack your reality in your face. "I will always be able to achieve better than you no matter how hard you try," is what I think. And still I keep a non-caring attitude and move on. When I heard that I might have no confidence in myself I think that that might be the truth. No confidence........no incentives........no push..........no brain..........no good if I want to get out of college and into "that" university, or any in general. I am completely unable to realize my problematic reality and feel like I cannot change it.
Another rant for another day. I know this is early but have a better new year than me. My resolutions are usually in good intentions but by the end of the year it becomes shit. I will just be lying to myself again, one more year of my life.
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| Thanksgiving is over. Was there really a holiday for us? So far what I have felt wasn't a holiday but a usual weekend.....yes there were some events but really nothing too great. I have found out that this isolation I feel is more justified than I thought. As I sit here contemplating whether or not I should do my homework, I sift through the pictures people have taken on facebook.
This was all their thanksgiving weekend and yet they mostly hang out with other friends that also have gone away from home. But what about the people who were still here? Arthur and I have realized that the small amount of people we've seen is the closest we will ever have to an actual group get together. Personally I still think the magic group isn't somewhere I belong in but its the only group that would accept me for a "friend get-together". That was a great highlight of my thanksgiving weekend. It would have been better but time passed by too fast and our good bye's too boring. We are not very affectionate with our good bye's but I wish it was better than that what we did. It was more like waving good bye to a friend that you will see the next day which probably killed the thanksgiving weekend for me. The problem is that I wont be seeing these people the next day; instead of a "good bye" it was more of a "piss off and a smack to the face" kind of thing.
There is one thing I don't agree with Arthur and that is our views of the girl group. He believes we are accepted when really we are just an annoyance to them. We are a reoccurring tick that sucks at their time and energy when they look at us with confusion and disregard. He believes that they still do when they are also people who got together without even contacting us(at least I wasn't). It is saddening to see that this group is something I don't believe in as well. There aren't enough reasons to bring me to really understand their acceptance of him and me. I don't see if they really miss us or not. From what I can see, no one really missed us but just surprised to see us at that random place that we coincidentally were at.
I noticed a reoccurring concept on the many pictures I have seen: "Happy" people with their "happy" groups. I saw some people from De Anza that were from my year in those groups, but really almost none of them have a true friendship with me. There are no groups I belong in anymore. I haven't had a real group since the times of high school and middle school. The ones who let me in their group my last year of high school will probably forget all about me. The friends I had in high school are too idiotic and too sectioned that I can't really consider them my friends anymore. I must move back to become reborn.
I am back to figuring out my school life all over again. I am "back to square one." I am back to my elementary school days where everybody made fun of me and rejected me from groups. I am back to trying to find that group of people who will accept me for who I am. I am back to figuring out my life again.
You don't have to agree with me, it isn't something I would want to argue upon. So I will take any comments that are left to give in this barren waist land called xanga. Who am I kidding? Who really reads these anymore........
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| It is amazing what happens when you are away for so long. You could say xanga is like DeAnza. There was a time where all your friends would be around but now it is all barren and deserted. There is no place for me to be who I once was. It is a slow year for me again but not for the same reasons. The reasons now is because of the fact that no one here really gets together out of class. Only the popular survive here because they are not afraid of superficial relationships and friendships. I on the other hand am the minority no matter where I go. I try to fit in no matter where I am but instead am left to fend for myself. The only friends I have here are either away doing their own classwork or would only see them after class and wouldn't be able to talk to them. The people I talk to now are the people I haven't met in such a long time. But, I will never get that security of being able to talk to them about what is on my mind and for them to give constructive criticism or support when I need it.
Then again, I never really had much of that either. What was high school to me? The answer was right in front of me without even knowing it. It was the final step of denial where you finally are sent into the real world and grab a taste of what real school is. Knowing that your parents aren't there to push you might be a relief but then again it could also be catastrophic. I haven't had that push since I was younger but somehow I wish I had it. I wish my parent were there to help me with my work. They could never do it for me so now they do it for my sister. My experience becomes her lesson. A painful yet truthful thought that shines through for those who need it. I am yet spectated in the darkness of my mind. I have nothing but school and homework that I neglect to do because of my experience from procrastination throughout all these years. I also am tired of knowing no one new and don't know how to meet new people. People here are intolerable. I wish I had some good friends here. Will I never get better? Will I be doomed to be one of those people that try to find themselves when there is no place to find themselves in?
I really hope not.
So now I ask this question to myself: Who was I and who am I now?
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| Since usually no one really looks here anymore, I will probably expect that almost one one will respond to this.
I really miss all the people I used to talk to. It is amazing that once you move on to an unknown territory in life you start to get lost. It feels very slow and I am not sure if it is going fast or not. It is also very hard to kick the habit of procrastination when you have had it most of your life till this point. I really wont know where I am going with this post since it is all relating and somewhat random at the same time. To work for that goal that I have set for myself and make it to that university in 2 years...I have found out in this one week that it will be a difficult and stressful path that I have no choice but to follow.
I miss this one person especially.....just making her laugh was enough to make me forget the stress and renew my "drive" to get to that university. Now she is working to get through all the classes that is set up for her......even with her constant neglecting of work. She can do that since she is at that university she pushed to get into since high school started...something I have never done. Maybe I should have worked on my habits more and make my studies work with it. I guess I have these 2 years to change what problems I had since elementary school, which is the toughest thing to do.
I always thought life will eventually make a path for me, and I still do, but there is still that "drive" I am looking for. I don't really know what it is I want to do as my profession even though I decided on one. I want to get there...to that school, but on what kind of transfer I need to figure out.
I am not going to lie, it feels very lonely with almost no one to talk to, especially with classmates that don't even know your existence. I really hope it gets better...but all in all I can always look forward for that university where my father would have gone if he wasn't so constrained by how hard his life was being a foreign student. I respect the foreign students at my school, since at one point in time they were once my parents. I wish I thought of this sooner, but all isn't lost since it is still the beginning of my life.
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